The Tarty Times

Apple Tarts starts at 13:00 on Sunday.  It closes on 13:00 on Monday. Music is playing until 02:00 on Monday and after there is a headphone disco.

LAST ENTRY TO THE SITE IS 8PM.  (We capitalised this for affect. Remember it.)

On Monday the bar and food will be open from 9ish until 1.

And that’s that.

NOT. LONG. NOW.

XxXxXxXxXx

We’ve had loads of people asking us about what booze they can bring into the festival. 

Basically, we’re implementing a complete ban on bringing anything in with you.  We know this might seem a bit overboard and it’s not actually something we particularly want to do, but when we dropped the ticket prices it was a case of doing this or not going ahead with the festival as our margins are really (really) small.

To balance this out we promise that drink prices will be a lot cheaper than ordinary festivals- you certainly won’t be looking at the £4.50 cans that seemed to be de rigeur across the board last year. 

We’ll be serving everything you’d expect from a festival bar, plus Pimms, cocktails and the local brain-wobble cider (including the first ever batch of Brogdale Farm cider to be sold publicly). 

We will also be running promotions, happy hours and whatever we can think of between now and the day to get you all oiled enough to forget the name of the person you’re getting off with.


As always, hit us up via the Twitter if you have any questions.  Failing that, we’re on Facebook too.


xxxx



If you want to find out about car-parking at Brogdale, click here

Below are the stage-times for The Big Apple.  There’ll also be a bunch of people playing in Granny Smith’s throughout the day (on that note: if you fancy playing some tunes there, let us know).

Lovely!


3.3.25-Niltones
3.35-3.55 Alex Gywther
4.05-4.30- Will Varley
4.40-4.55-  Late Night Gimp Fight
5-7- The Sparks (Rockaoke)
7.10-7.25- Late Night Gimp Fight
7.35-8.05- Riskee and the Ridicule
8.15-8.45- City Shanty Band
8.50-9.15- The Void
9.15-10.05- Originals Kid     (Electro/Indie, Rock and Roll)
10.05-11.50-Cold Rice        (Hip-Hop/Soul/Rock and Roll)
11.50-12.30- Danny Flex     (Garage)
12.30-02:00- Some DJ        (Funky Disco Breaks/Drum and Bass)


Headphone disco

2am-3am  El Mooreo/ Tart-Breakers
3am-4am DJ Mike Anthony/ Tart-Breakers/Tbc

Lee is one of our security dons.  He keeps anyone out that shouldn’t be there, and keeps an eye on you lot while you’re in there.  He makes us feel a lot less nervous about putting the event on, and while he could definitely beat you up, he’s really a big teddy bear.

Likes: Millwall, Mixed Martial Arts, Pie and Mash
Dislikes:  W*est H*m, TOWIE and Mark Foster



1) Haven’t we seen you somewhere before?

I think you’re referring to my appearance on last years video, where I interrupted filming by shouting at someone who was relieving himself against a fence. I’ve still yet to see it.

2)With Jay you headed up our security last year. How would you describe the experience?

It was the first time we’d headed up an event like that together. We genuinely had a good time. It ran as smoothly as we could’ve hoped for. I personally knew a lot of the people attending and also know the type of crowd that ‘Tarts’ attracts, so was confident of a trouble free, enjoyable weekend. Which it was

3) What was your favourite part of Apple Tarts?

 Mark Foster leaving.

4) And your least? 

Mark Foster arriving

5) The last I saw of you before I went to sleep last year was you stomping across the field at 4.30 in the morning. Over the radio you called me a ‘pussy’ for retiring. I didn’t see you until 10.30. Can you describe what happens between the hours of 4.30 and 8.30 at Apple Tarts.

Not a lot

6) What are the people like at Apple Tarts?

Very intoxicated.

7) Are they the prettiest people you ever saw? 

Not by a long shot.

8) What would you say to anyone thinking of an orchard bunk-up?

Speaking from experience, try and get on top, twigs in your back and up your arse make for an unpleasant experience.

9) If anyone you know was still unsure about buying a ticket, how would you convince them otherwise? 

I’m no salesman, but c’mon, you really should.

10) What’s your favourite apple? 

 I don’t discriminate, all apples are equal in my eyes.




Lee won’t be getting a taxi to Brogdale but you might- for local cab info click here

                        


For those getting a train from London, you’ll need to get a taxi from Faversham station to Brogdale, then back again the next day.

It’s only a 5 minute journey, and they know the Tarts are coming so there should be cabs waiting outside the station.  If you want to book in advance though, the best numbers are:

Starlite Taxi’s- 01795 538887

Grab-a-cab 01795 539839

ANR Cars- 01795 890000

           


Apple Tarts is only one day, therefore you want to be there for all of it, right?

We open at 13:00 on the Sunday.  This being the case, for those come coming from London the trains we suggest you get are:

12:05- London Victoria, Arrives Faversham 13:13

12:28- St Pancras, Arrives Faversham  13:34

12:52- St Pancras, Arrives Faversham 14: 03

13:05- London Victoria, Arrives Faversham 14: 18

The next morning trains are running back every half hour.

See you there!

Xxx

Gem, you’ve been with us since the very start. What’s your best memory of Tarts events?

Well, I do have a soft spot for the first few Tarts. Back when there was only one toilet, lots of power cuts and a naked man from Gumtree covered in marker pen. Ellen won a painted canvas of Britney and Michael Jackson, I took home a blow up pineapple and Donna filled the kebab man’s boots up with ketchup. Those were the days. But OF COURSE Apple Tarts 2011 was a triumph David, for so many reasons….

*NB: you didn’t ask but i will tell you anyway. my worst TartsG memory is dressing up in full head to toe cat attire. only to find noone else got the memo. cheers for that yeah.

What are you most looking forward to this year?

The same things as last year. Seeing all the Top Tarts. Getting off my tits on Brogdale Farm cider (it’s lethal). And then at about 9pm, inexplicably finding myself dancing to garage on a hay bale wearing a purple turban and a dolphin mask. You know, the usual.

Is there anyone you’ve got your eye on for a feel-up in the orchard?

That’d be telling. But if i’ve had enough cider then you should all be on your guard.

You and Amy are going to be spinning a few tunes for us. Have you got a name yet?

Spinning? You said nothing about spinning. I only know how to press play. Well we toyed with a few names, all of them terrible. Sniffer came up with Peroxide and Natrino. But HEY maybe we’ll be really original and call ourselves Gemma and Amy.

And what sort of tunes are you going to be playing?

If you’ve been to one of our parties then you’ll know that the 90s will feature very heavily. As will Craig David.

If you had to pick one out of Brian Harvey, Robbie Craig or Mark Owen to be trapped in a treehouse with which would you pick?

Well, Brian Harvey ran himself over so he’d be a nightmare. And although Robbie Craig features on one of all my all time favourite songs, I don’t actually know what he looks like. So I am going to go with that cheeky little shagger Mark Owen. I know all the words to Babe you know.

Are you going to be singing a tune during rockaoke? What?
Ellen and I do a great rendition of ‘Torn’ (the little known One Direction version, not the Imbruglia version) but we won’t subject you to that (we will).

If you had one message to send to Stan the tractor driver, what would it be?

Can I get a lift back to Bow?

What’s your favourite apple?

I quite like your apple. Your adam’s apple. It is very prominent and manly. 



You can follow Gem on Twitter here . She’s liable to talk about garage music, the strange things kids do, and what her and her friends get up to in The Dolphin.

Check out what trains Gem and you should get to Apple Tarts here

And find out what the Apple Tarts Slightly Annoying Booze Policy is here

Nik, as one of the hallowed collective of ‘top tarts’, what is it about apple Tarts you like most?

I like that it’s the sort of place that you can pass out face down in a bale of hay for a few hours and no one bats an eyelid.

I like that the crowd is VERY attractive. We’re talking 9s and 10s here

But most of all I like that you get to ride a tractor.

You probably have the record for falling over the most at Tarts. How long do you intend to spend on your back this year?

Flat out for 24 hours. All welcome to join me down there!

You are known to like a drink, what is your essential festival booze?

Well I wouldn’t be a true Apple Tart if I didn’t say I loved a cider. But it’s true, I just love them apples. Last year’s festival brew can probably account for most of the falling over referred to in question 2.

Rockaoke? If you don’t do it, it will be a crime. What do you intend you belt out to the desperate mob?

I’m a terrible singer! I never fail to sound like I’m evoking the ghost of Edith Piaf. So I guess I’m going to give the people what they want, what they’ve been waiting for - Proud Mary, in the style of Edith Piaf.

What band / dj are you most looking to seeing?

Can I say an act instead? I’m excited about Late Night Gimp Fight. The sort of comedy that’s so wrong it’s right, makes you laugh hard and then makes you want to go and have a wash.

What do you hope to find in the orchard?

Apples, good times, nudity, Rupert Morency, last year’s lost dignity.

Face or tits?

Tits in my face. That’s lewd. I’m sorry.

Who would win out of a fight between a goose and penguin?

I think of the penguin, by very nature of its outfit, to be a gentleman. For that reason I’d say the goose could take him.

Apple Tarts is known for being held together by a collection of favours, what’s the biggest favour someone has ever done for you?

Well I tend to get by with a LOT of help from my friends. Rarely a weekend goes by when I’m not given a fireman’s carry home and slung into bed. But I like to think I’m a giver (of favours) too.

Jesus, Allah or the Dalai Lama- who would enjoy Apple Tarts most?

I took a lot of inspiration from Jesus at last year’s Apple Tarts. Got absolutely crucified and rose from the dead 3 days later. I think he’d like it. Besides he’s got that whole beard festival chic thing going on.


You might have guessed from this that Nikki likes a drink.  If you do too and want to find out about what you can bring with you to Apple Tarts, click here

Do you want to be the next in line for questioning?  Get us on the Twitter

                                    


Mark Foster is the gift and the curse, the Mick and the Keith; the love, the hate and the lust.  He’ll annoy you, he’ll (maybe) make you laugh, he’ll definitely be wearing the jumper in this picture. If you can get through Apple Tarts without at one point being party to a conversation that starts with him going “see, if I was running Apple Tarts what I’d do differently is…” you should consider yourself blessed.

He is also liable to talk freely about work targets.


At Apple Tarts last year, you inexplicably spent most of it in a red cowboy hat with a Poland emblem on it. Why?

I say why NOT…..

Will you be wearing any particularly fetching items of clothing this year?

I have been inundated for requests for the Bandana to make an appearance… All I can say is watch this space!!!!

Last year you made our bonfire. If you were to get this role again would you do anything differently?

As everyone knows the Bonfire was pretty amazing last year, some may say epic but I don’t  like to blow my own trumpet. In line with Tarts getting bigger and better I will do all I can to try and make some minor adjustment. Maybe along the lines of a sacrifice of some sort, so if anyone  has any unwanted pets etc then please feel free to bring them along….

Would you still insist on arguing with the security, to the point that one guard came over to me (not knowing I knew you) saying “who’s that idiot at the bonfire? If he keeps ordering me about I’m going to f*cking throw him out.”

As an expert in bonfires whilst drunk I thought I should have been allowed to light the bonfire, which I feel everyone will agree is a fair statement. Steve The Dog [the security guy making the threat] robbed me of my right; this year I will not take NO for an answer.

What are you most looking forward to this year?

You and Bad Boy Barrett!!!!! And  Bon Jovi, of course.

Are you going to sing rockaoke? You’ve got a wonderful voice.

I do have a wonderful voice but as last year proved there are some great emerging artists at Tarts and I feel it’s not right to always still the lime-light And for this reason I will not be performing at this year’s Apple Tarts.

To anyone not yet in possession of an Apple Tarts ticket but thinking about it, what would you say?

DDDDDDDDOOOOOO ITttttt”

You speak to us quite a lot during the organisation of the festival. Describe the organisers mental state at the time of asking.

Worrying, very worrying!!!!!